My Banded Time

Monday, November 28, 2011

WAH...beware...this post is filled with self pity and vanity

I've been away too long.  Basically because:

  • It's been crazy at work
  • My dad had a health scare (collapsed but we think it was just dehydration and a lack of was scary because they thought it was a stroke or heart damage
  • My kids are in dozens of activities and have great social lives.  They are only 9 and 10 so they need to be driven everywhere.
  • My husband has a demanding job and is rarely home before 10 pm so its me managing homework and activities solo (on the flip side, when he's with the kids or at home, he's a wonderful father)
But I've been missing blogging and the powerful things it brings.  And then I logged in yesterday and saw Barbara reaching out to me and asking me to blog when in reality she was popping into my mind throughout the weekend (weird in a wonderful way).  Her moral encouragement was speaking to me across the internet.

I had a hard vanity moment this weekend.  My mother in law had a 100th birthday party which is great.  I was happy that she has lived so long and that my kids have a great relationship with her.  But the part of the party which evoked my vanity is that we took family portraits in Korean's the traditional outfit for women.   The women in my husband's family are tiny...95 lbs to 120 lbs.  And the 120 lb women are 5'7"!  So they looked gorgeous and lithe.  If you have any sort of chest, it really doesn't look flattering...I didn't feel pretty.  My sister in laws kept offering to strap me in and bind my chest down (think of that scene in Gone with the Wind where mamie tried to squeeze in Scarlett's waist to fit into the ball gown).  We had to take professional portraits and I dread  seeing them.  I feel smaller and healthier than last year but things make me feel horrible...I know its not all about is my MIL's 100th birthday and all I could think about was how I felt compared to my nieces and sister in laws...For some reason it was really disturbing that a year and a couple months after surgery I'm not at goal and I'm still fat in the eyes of my culture.  Compounding things were that I couldn't keep things down very well for the last two weeks but it wasn't resulting in any weight loss...Wah wah wah wah wah

I found it hard to sleep for two nights after but now I feel stronger and filled with more resolve to stick to the rules and not give up my journey which I think is a long, life long journey. 

Thank you friend...Thank you for Barbara for reaching out to me...