My Banded Time

Monday, November 28, 2011

WAH...beware...this post is filled with self pity and vanity

I've been away too long.  Basically because:

  • It's been crazy at work
  • My dad had a health scare (collapsed but we think it was just dehydration and a lack of was scary because they thought it was a stroke or heart damage
  • My kids are in dozens of activities and have great social lives.  They are only 9 and 10 so they need to be driven everywhere.
  • My husband has a demanding job and is rarely home before 10 pm so its me managing homework and activities solo (on the flip side, when he's with the kids or at home, he's a wonderful father)
But I've been missing blogging and the powerful things it brings.  And then I logged in yesterday and saw Barbara reaching out to me and asking me to blog when in reality she was popping into my mind throughout the weekend (weird in a wonderful way).  Her moral encouragement was speaking to me across the internet.

I had a hard vanity moment this weekend.  My mother in law had a 100th birthday party which is great.  I was happy that she has lived so long and that my kids have a great relationship with her.  But the part of the party which evoked my vanity is that we took family portraits in Korean's the traditional outfit for women.   The women in my husband's family are tiny...95 lbs to 120 lbs.  And the 120 lb women are 5'7"!  So they looked gorgeous and lithe.  If you have any sort of chest, it really doesn't look flattering...I didn't feel pretty.  My sister in laws kept offering to strap me in and bind my chest down (think of that scene in Gone with the Wind where mamie tried to squeeze in Scarlett's waist to fit into the ball gown).  We had to take professional portraits and I dread  seeing them.  I feel smaller and healthier than last year but things make me feel horrible...I know its not all about is my MIL's 100th birthday and all I could think about was how I felt compared to my nieces and sister in laws...For some reason it was really disturbing that a year and a couple months after surgery I'm not at goal and I'm still fat in the eyes of my culture.  Compounding things were that I couldn't keep things down very well for the last two weeks but it wasn't resulting in any weight loss...Wah wah wah wah wah

I found it hard to sleep for two nights after but now I feel stronger and filled with more resolve to stick to the rules and not give up my journey which I think is a long, life long journey. 

Thank you friend...Thank you for Barbara for reaching out to me...


  1. Rachel! It's so good to "hear your voice" again in this blog post. Definitely missed you but it sounds like you had many good reasons to drop out for awhile. I'm glad your dad is okay. It's funny...we just celebrated my MIL's 95th birthday and everyone was taking photos with her. Except me. I couldn't bear to be in a single photo--which is so sad since it was a once in a lifetime moment with her. Although the woman in the photo you posted looks lovely in her hanbok, I'd have to say that garment would be unflattering on all but the tiniest women. I bet you won't mind the photos of yourself as much as you dread you will...but regardless, try to feel great about all your hard work and success you've achieved so far!!

  2. Wowsers! 100 is amazing. Sorry the occasion had to make you feel so crappy though :(

    It's funny but I sometimes have moments where I think I have come so far, and then in the blink of an eye it can come undone with one 'bad' moment - we just have to keep plugging away :)

  3. It is a roller coaster isn't it? There are days where I look in the mirror and I think, "Not too shabby at all" and other days where I think 70 lbs should have been a lot more effective. All we can do is keep pushing on and strive to do the best we can and maybe find some contentment with the vanity side of things. We all SAY we did this to get healthy (and we did ) but let's face it...we also want to look cute in clothes, "wow" people and feel beautiful again. Hang in there sweetie!

  4. In the long run, you (and the rest of the family) will cherish those photos. I went almost a decade in the 90's avoiding the camera and now have no idea how I looked through that time. And neither will my family when I'm gone. It's just a moment in time and when you feel your best one day, think of the new professional photos of just you that you can cherish.

  5. I'm glad you posted. You have been missed. I think you will get those photos back and be amazed at your beauty. You are on a journey to better health and you will get there. Keep fighting the good fight. Sending you hugs!!

  6. SOO good to hear from you! I was just thinking of you earlier this week and wondering how you were doing...

    I can't imagine living with the stigma of the culture that you live in... that has to be SO hard. Just give yourself credit for the fact that you are aware and still fighting this battle!!

  7. You're doing rally well. To be honest I think that I'd rather have breasts than look good in a traditional outfit I very rarely wear, you might be surprised at your potrait, I'm sure its not as bad as you think.

  8. Wow, happy 100th to your MIL.

    Sorry you felt so out of place around your SIL's... I hate that situations like that can take us right back to the feelings we had about ourselves pre-weight loss. I'm sure you look great in the pictures, BOOBs and all. :)

  9. Aww, I'm sorry you felt down about the pictures. You know, if I always compare myself to those girls who can wear bikini's etc. I'll never like how I look. Heh, it's okay!! You have your own beauty! Also, your husband chose you, not a little pixie size woman. You have the look that floats his boat. :) (I have to remind myself of this too.)

  10. Where and how are you Rachel?

    Happy New Year!