I need a shirt that says, "I'm not bulimic, the heat is just making my band unbearably tight!"

There is a definite correlation between heat and band tightness.  I'm scared to eat anything but soup or yoghurt tonight...OMG  I'm soooooooooooooooo tight but I don't want an unfill because I think I found my balanced green spot.  I was at PF Chang's for a lunch with a friend, quietly chewing on a piece of protein and then had a huge episode of projectile vomiting.  I was being good!  Those poor women in the PF Chang's restroom.  Then it happened a couple more times on a very safe band friendly foods.  A couple times it happened at work.  I really dread a colleague bringing me eating disorder pamphlets out of concern.  Girls I think I'm on liquids till this heat waves leaves the Metropolitan DC area.

This is definitely an entry for "Girlfriends Guide to the Band"...when it gets over 100 degrees, go to liquids!!!

Ode to the band...

Is that really me who doesn't eat fries at McDonalds anymore?
Is that really me who eats the separates the hamburger and puts the bread aside and eats the meat?
Is it really me who doesn't have to clean the plate at restaurants?
Is it really me who just took a little taste of the hot oven rolls that came with my serving a soup at a restaurant?
Is it really me in the pool with the kids with a swim suit?
Is it really me who just takes a taste of pizza on pizza nights?
Is it really me who can wear clothes that don't have an X?
Is it really me who is being pressured to buy clothes again when I walk in my favorite old stores?

Thank you band...it's been a slow but steady relationship.  I appreciate you.

Playing with my kids actively in the summer in a swim suit...NSV

Each summer we rent a beach house for a week...beach front, but I never play in the water in a swim suit.  I just wear shorts and walk around a bit after the sun goes down or early in the am.  I'm always at the house cooking or shopping or watching TV or reading novels.  In this way, fat has deprived my kids.  My boys are 8 and 10, they like to play all day!!!

But this summer I purchased  a swim suit...actually a cute tankini and bottoms (without an X) from Lands End...they fit and I feel comfortable in them...the top is actually a little big...but I felt joy in that this summer vacation, I'm going to actively participate in my kids summer.  Yes I'm going to feel the sun, the water, the sand and play for hours.  I might even buy another one in a more outlandish brighter color.

Thank you blogging friends for encouraging me, everyday...without the guidance and support from the web...I think I would have given up or gone astray.

Fitting in...Literally

Last year when I would go to my favorite shops, the sales people would never approach me.  Maybe it was my deferential and ashamed body language but it was probably that they picked up that I was too large to buy anything in their store.  At most I would pick up a gift certificate or a gift for a thinner relative or friend.  Now the sales people have started talking to me again and suggesting things I could buy...it is a great feeling.  I have a while to reach my ultimate goals but I feel like I'm getting there.

It's also nice to buy clothes without an X in it.

Dear GAP I've missed you but I'm back

Dear GAP Store,

I've missed you these past several years.  I've stopped going to your stores because I didn't fit in your cute, adorable, sporty and trendy clothes.  It made me so sad.  I love your style.  You didn't have a place for me so I've stayed out and shopped for bigger clothes that middle aged mothers or retirees in Florida wear.  The closest I've gotten to you is to buy my kids adorable clothes at Kids GAP.  I was back tonight with my GAP card, buying cute things that made me feel 27 or at least 30 again.

I've missed you so and I'm glad to be back...especially in time for your 40% sales. 

Love you GAP and I'm glad we are back together again!!!!

By God I think the Band is Working?!

I registered a 5 lb weight loss this week.  Even with TOM and lots of stress and working around the clock.  As I said before, its stressful times like this which would usually leave me a souvenir of 5-7 lbs. Protecting my health during times of stress is an NSV for me. 

And finally for the first time in 9 months, I feel like the band is helping to curb my physical hunger.  Usually my stomach starts growling 3-4 hours after eating.  The last couple of days I noticed after skipping lunch (not intentional at all-really stressful schedule with back to back deadlines) that I didn't register hunger for close to 8-10 hours.  The band helps me not to overeat, but I never felt any increased increased satiety...even if I ate protein rich food. 

Question...how hungry are you during the day?  Has the band curbed your appetite or does it just suppress your over eating or does it do both?     

Sleeping = Weight Loss

I've slept horribly for weeks because I've been under lots of stress and I literally can't shut my mind off.  Also traveling always sets my sleeping patterns off.  But I started taking Melatonin (herbal supplement) and its done wonders.  It brings back my logic about food and life.

• When I don't sleep ice cream sounds like a good source of calcium to me
• When I don't sleep Doritos seem like a good source of grain
• When I don't sleep eating carbs to stay awake seems justifiable

But when I do sleep:

• I make better food decisions
• Things don't bother me as easily
• I feel less emotional
• I deal with stress better
• I'm kinder
• I'm more fun
• I LOSE WEIGHT

Thanks for your support friends.  I write that all the time but its so true...this support group is so marvelous.  There is a lot of intelligence, kindness, wisdom and beauty out there.

Sleep tonight you are worth it!!!

Dealt with Stress and Actually Lost 4 Lbs

This morning, I reviewed a new version of a document with my lead and she liked it.  Of course she did say she wished I wrote all this stuff in the first draft and was a bit patronizing and a bit catty and a bit bitchy.  But I didn't care.  I've lost 4lbs amid a stressful set of weeks, working 10-12 hours and being stressed out of my mind. If I wrote this 1 year ago it would be stessed out of my mind and 11 lbs heavier.  I would feel horrible but use food to relieve my stress.  My job is stressful so it was easy to find 80 lbs.  My career has cost me 80 lbs what a horrific price.  I'm no longer hostage to it though and I refuse to sacrifice my health to stress.  Thank you Band and Bandster friends.

In agreement with Amanda Panda...working with women managers is hard.  I've had my share of good female mentors but on the whole, issues get emotional. 

Thank you for your support...I feel like th econstant support I receive from you has prevented me from giving up.

Controlling my reactions to bad things

Part of my weight loss challenge is to control my reactions to negative things or uncontrollable things...versus suppressing or masking them with over eating.  This morning my project lead,( or actually all month), has thrown me off the pedestal I was on.   She did not like some of the work I did because she did not agree with it.  OK...I'm 47 but having authority figures question or dislike my work really effects me.  She wrote all over my documente "what", "why", "what is this".  Also she's very high school about it...she lavishes praise on my colleague who she actually fought with for the last couple months.  She doesn't give much direction...it just feels uncontrollable.  Logically I know I'm in a good place...I have a great boss/management that support me and that one project or one person's opinion doesn't matter but emotionally it effects me.

I'm tyring to drink water when I'm upset.  It's like an exercise.  It's hard this week...I've been working all weekend in the office and find it hard to sleep when things are stressful at work.  I have highs, but there are lows too...its a balancing act.

Thank you for listening and offering you non judgemental support.  Its love like this that helps me keep my butt small.

Things are working out at work

I'm at the finishing stages of my client reports...140 pages of stuff.  The client and colleagues have asked me to stay on for another phase for a year and 1/2.  That is a big relief...Being a consultant in my field is like being an actress...a lot is luck and a lot is skill.  And we are all looking for great and fun projects to show case our abilities.  If you don't do so well on projects in my field you kind of get black listed and people don't ask you to be in their shows.  The constant evaluation of my work is like being in school all the time.  When it works out though its gratifying.

Thanks for letting me talk out my stress.  This project did not lead to a bigger butt..thanks to you my virtual friends.

Under lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of pressure

Hi there...I've been working on a document from hell...I was assigned this task two months ago because of my "talent with the client adn ability" and its just not been turning out...There is an IT project and the prime contractor who we work with has not been following the rules and standards.  But we can't write that without alienating our relationship.  I want to be ethical but not alienate the business relationships we have.  I've been caught between a rock and a hard place for 6 weeks.   I've been up at the wee hours and up a couple hours later and its getting better and its getting done but its been painful and difficult and stressful.  My project lead micromanages to when she is stressed out...she has been analyzing every line and word of a 80 plus page document.  It is PAINFUL. 

But one thing I've learned in the last year is that there will always be variables that I can't control but I need to control my response.  All I can do is try my best and to deal with each thing as it comes and not to numb the stress with FOOD.  It is a string of painful projects like this that have made me obese and I will not let them get to me anymore.

How do you deal with work stress?  life stress?

Not a real post, just a vent about life.  I can't wait for this to be done.